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New FEMA Alert Notifies Public Whenever ‘Twister’ Airing On TNT

WASHINGTON—Predicting that the system would save countless Americans from missing an all-time classic, the Federal Emergency Management Agency announced the…

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Understaffed National Weather Service Still Weeks Away From Issuing Kentucky Tornado Warning

SILVER SPRING, MD—In the aftermath of the deadly storms that ripped through the central United States over the weekend, the National Weather Service confirmed Monday…
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Features Of Meta’s New AI App

In an effort to compete with the popularity of ChatGPT, Meta has launched its very own standalone AI app. Here is a selection of the…
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Jesus Circles Earth Few Times So He Not First To Arrive To Judgment Day

LOW EARTH ORBIT—Dreading a scenario in which He showed up early and was forced to make awkward small talk with mankind, Jesus Christ, the King…
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State Department Designates WNBA As Terrorist Organization

WASHINGTON—Promising to stamp out the extremist movement as well as its sympathizers, the U.S. State Department announced Thursday that the WNBA had been designated as…
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What To Know About The MAHA Movement

Supporters of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. are cheering on the Health And Human Services secretary’s plans to “Make America Healthy Again.” Here is everything you…
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New Indiana Law Requires All Porn Viewers To Register As Sex Offenders

INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to curb unauthorized traffic to adult websites within the state, Indiana lawmakers passed new legislation Thursday requiring all potential viewers of online…

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How The U.S. Is Resettling White South African Refugees

Claiming they are targets of genocide and discrimination, the Trump administration has granted white South Africans expedited refugee status. Here are the measures the U.S.…
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U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Combat

WASHINGTON—In a move that significantly restricts the eligibility of thousands of American troops to fight for their country on the front lines, senior U.S. military…
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Sean Combs Asks For Quick Trial So He Can Get To Part Where Trump Pardons Him

NEW YORK—Insisting that they were all busy people with things to do, Sean “Diddy” Combs reportedly asked a U.S. district court judge for a quick…
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Texas Bans Being Different Around Children

AUSTIN, TX—In a landmark piece of legislation designed to stifle individuality across the state, the Texas Legislature passed a bill Friday that legally banned being…
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48 Hours In Starbase

Starbase, home to SpaceX’s private launch site, has voted to become an official Texas city. The Onion shares the perfect two-day itinerary for Starbase tourists.…
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Study: Most Millennials Will Never Own Swanky Undersea Apartment Where Fish Swim Past Windows

CHICAGO—A study published Friday by the National Association of Realtors concluded that most millennials will never own a swanky undersea apartment where fish swim past…

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